The rose was the most beautiful plant the park had ever seen. Soft beams of moonlight caressed it at night. They changed the colour of its petals from bright red to a light shade of purple. In the morning dew formed delicate drops on them, refracting the first sunlight. Rays of sunlight made it glow throughout the day, a soft red candle to been seen from every spot in the park. That was when it spread it's perfume, so sweet it cast a spell on every living being able to smell.
A young man passed by the rose on his way to his love. His every thought was focused on her, and he didn't see the rose. But it's scent hit him and made him turn his head. It was the smell of his love and the rose was just as beautiful as she was. He plucked it and gave it to his girl with a smile, his expectations so high he imagined a joyous gleam in her eye.
The boy took her for a walk in the park, where they came to stop by the bush from which the rose had come. The argument was short and painful, her voice echoing around the meadows and shrubs and trees. She threw the delicate rose away and left him standing. He took the rose and lay it down under it's bush, a single tear rolling from the soft petals.
Sunlight still made the rose shine, but dried it out, too, so clouds appeared and covered the sun. They cried for the rose, trying to water it with their tears night and day. Now there was no light to play up it's beauty and it's perfume got washed away with rain.
And it died for love, and it died in vain.















Comments
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"To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal."
- Peter Ustinov
I think the imagery is a little forced, and I think maybe it is because of the omniscient third-person point of view chosen to convey the story. Instead, perhaps it would be better from the view of the rose, it's own reflection of the many ways light affects it, how people always seem to love it, etc. But when it is picked and begins to die away, even if it is loved the same by the man and woman as it was in the park, that cannot stop it from dying. Choosing a strong POV would help considerably.
And what parallels are we to draw from the fact that the man picked the rose and took it away from the park and the woman he loves just as dearly? Has he done the same thing to her? Taken her away from her home? Why is it important that they go back to the same rose bush? Would it mean more if the rose was discarded elsewhere, unloved now by the people around it but just as cherished by the sun and rain?
And, last thing. Instead of ending it with "And it died for love, and it died in vain," just let the story hang, allowing the reader to pull that conclusion out themselves. I think it would make the piece richer and make the reader truly get involved with the story in order to draw the meaning out of it.
Really good idea. It certainly made me think a lot.
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Anyone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back.
~ Captain Malcolm Reynolds, Firefly
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what we choose is never what we really need
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We're the people, the happy with the broken hearts,
The ones who draw a picture and proclaim that it's art.
(Johnossi)
Betray your heart with logic
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We're the people, the happy with the broken hearts,
The ones who draw a picture and proclaim that it's art.
(Johnossi)
Betray your heart with logic
I acutally thought of using the rose's POV, but I guess it seemed harder and that just scared me out of it. I might do it now, though.
The last sentence was something special for me. It came to my mind and got stuck there for days. I just couldn't bring myself to delete it again.
--
We're the people, the happy with the broken hearts,
The ones who draw a picture and proclaim that it's art.
(Johnossi)
Betray your heart with logic
--
We're the people, the happy with the broken hearts,
The ones who draw a picture and proclaim that it's art.
(Johnossi)
Betray your heart with logic
it's just a teeny thing in an otherwise excellent deviation.
--
what we choose is never what we really need
*VampireWriters|=PoetryPlease|*Writers-Workshop|=ScribeSanctuary
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